I have been having many conversations with clients lately about individuating from their parents.  Many young people go through the individuation process in their early twenties when they begin to strike out on their own becoming truly their own person, having been influenced by their parents, yet defined by themselves. 

With today’s economic climate so many young people are forced to move back home with mom and dad.  It is difficult, at best, to be confident in your new identity while still being dependent upon your parents for survival. 

Then there are some of us who have moved away from home decades ago, yet still have remnants of individuation work to be done well into our 50s.   Now even though I have helped numerous clients over the years break free of the limited belief systems learned from their parents, I still have a couple of my own that I will fall back on if not conscious. 

My father was a true pioneer.  He migrated from Russia when he was 12 yrs. old speaking very little English.  He was, perhaps, one of the first truly homeless people back in 1906 in New York.  By the time he was 50 he was one of the leading fur manufacturers in New York.  

My mother, was the youngest of 12, and met my father while modeling.  She eventually modeled furs for my father’s business. 

The overriding message that I got from my father was:  “work hard”.  You have to work hard to survive.  He had had three heart attacks prior to my birth and it was a heart attack that killed him when I was 12.   The overriding message that I got from my mother was:  “worry hard”.   After my father died, and even well before, I would constantly see my mother’s face grimace over various situations.  She was a world class expert at worrying hard. 

The combined messages that I grew up with were:  If you are not working hard then you have got to worry hard.  It was being in a constant state of worry that would prevent me from enjoying whatever it was that I was doing. 

To this day, with time off, I can easily slip back to my “worry hard” mentality.  The challenge is to recognize when I am operating with those thoughts and seek to interrupt the process. 

I keep coming back to the realization that most of the time what it is I worry about rarely comes about.  In fact it is the process of worrying that produces more harmful chemicals in my body for a longer period of time than the actual situation in and of itself once I finally get there.  

This “worry hard” messaging is so pervasive I even started worrying about how I would finish this blog entry. 

There have been many beneficial traits I have proudly inherited from both my parents.  Within the “work hard” mentality I have cultivated a strong work ethic and the notion that every day is an opportunity to contribute my gift in the service to others.  My children have cultivated strong work ethics of which I am proud.    

The constant challenge is to make the distinction between what it is I am consciously choosing to do vs. what it is I am unconsciously driven to do.