We have often stated at seminars that it is much more effective to influence someone’s focus rather than attempting to manage their behavior.  What occurred this past weekend might challenge that proposition. 

Burton, my business partner, and I were facilitating a two-day teambuilding program at a lovely resort in Bellingham.  During one of our lunch breaks we were talking with the CEO and president of the company when suddenly it appeared that the president was quite triggered by the restaurant manager. 

She proceeded to tell us that the manager had been very arrogant, condescending, extremely inflexible in dealing with her, and how abrupt he had been with her during preparation meetings prior to the retreat. I noticed that as she spoke about her experiences with the manager, my business partner began looking at him with a jaded view.  When Burton ordered lunch, I noticed he was not his usual jovial self and was somewhat influenced by what our client had shared.  The manager seemed a little bit fast paced as Burton mentioned to our client “I think I see what you mean.” 

As our client was speaking, I noticed that her face became very rigid and appeared unapproachable.  Because we had just completed a module in the morning session about recognizing the impact of our triggered states on how we perceive situations and navigate accordingly, I thought it would be timely and appropriate to challenge our client. 

After taking her through the process of uncovering the origin of her triggered state, I encouraged her to consider the possibility that the manager was in pain about something that had absolutely nothing to do with her.  I further suggested that she was a very powerful and commanding presence and her facial expression, when triggered, sent a very clear message to people around her.  I advised her to imagine that he is a little boy who just found out that his mother was ill and in the hospital. 

Burton, overhearing the conversation, had realized that he had “bought into” our client’s triggered state and was beginning to find evidence to support it.  Burton immediately shifted his approach in dealing with the gentleman and noticed him to be very cooperative. 

By the end of our weekend program, the president shared her breakthrough with the team.  She said that throughout the course of the weekend she had subsequently had many conversations with the restaurant manager and noticed that as she changed her opinion about him and his true intentions, she began to soften her tone and approach. The manager subsequently appeared to transform his demeanor in her presence.    By the time we left the resort, we all commented on how superb the food service was.  

At the end of every program Burton and I conduct for organizations, we end with quite a lengthy quote from Goethe.  The first few lines of the quote were especially meaningful to a few of us who witnessed this transformation:  “I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.  It is my personal approach that creates the climate and my daily mood that makes the weather.” 

By changing how people occur to us, we invite them to show up differently in our presence.